1. I am physically able to give birth to another human being, and then do my best to mold her or him into the kind of person I choose.
Other than my derisive laugh at the second half, I think Rachel covers that nicely.
2. I am not automatically expected to be the family breadwinner.
We are expected to work outside the home full time, AND be solely responsible for all child care duties, AND be solely responsible for all daily internal household maintenance. Since it is assumed we are not the family breadwinners, even if in fact we are, we will be paid 80%-90% as much as our male coworkers in equivalent positions. The laws will not protect us from this in any but the sloppiest of cases, as false documentation to support claims of inferior performance is insanely easy.
3. I feel free to wear a wide variety of clothes, from jeans to skimpy shorts to dresses as appropriate, without fear of ridicule.
We are expected to both possess and be able to perfectly match a near-infinite combination of clothing, and will be punished if we fall short of perfection. Punish may range from derision, to pay cuts, to rape and murder.
4. I can choose to remain seated to meet most people.
*sputter* Can I just say "Um, no"? That is so 1950s. That issue simply does not exist anymore. No one rises for someone merely because they are a woman. If I am meeting a supplier, customer, or other guest at my company, I MUST rise to shake hands just like everyone else. No one gets out of their seat when I enter a room, unless one of us is a guest and we're shaking hands.
5. I am not ashamed to ask for others’ perspectives on an issue.
We may, however, be declared technically incompetent if we do so and suffer a penalty to we pay. Men asking similar questions will be praised for "seeking out mentoring" and rewarded monetarily.
6. I feel free to exhibit a wide range of emotions, from tears to genuine belly laughter, without being told to shut up.
Not true. Perhaps in a casual setting, where men are also allowed to more freely exhibit emotion, but in a professional setting, women are allowed LESS expression of freedom. A man breaks into tears: "Oh my God, Joe, what's wrong?" It must be legitimate. A woman breaks into tears? Oh, it's probably nothing, she's just hysterical. If a man starts yelling, it is usually assumed he is legitimately angry and actions are taken to change this. A woman is just getting hysterical. A man laughing is relaxed; a woman isn't taking things seriously enough.
7. My stereotypical excesses in shopping, clothes, jewelry, personal care and consumption of chocolate usually are expected, even the source of jokes.
This is privilege? Even under their definition, if you indulge in one of these hobbies, you will be made fun of? That's not even getting into the fact that it's assumed a woman will indulge in them.
Actually, I'll go one better. "I am expected to take excess in these areas. If I do, I will be mocked for it. If I do not, I will be declared abnormal and be punished for it."
8. Public policies generally offer me an opportunity to bond with my offspring.
What does that even mean? There's 12 weeks unpaid family leave in the US, but that's for both genders. There's no public child care. Best I can figure, this is "there is a good chance I will be forced to leave my profession and take full responsibility for all child care whether I like it or not due to a lack of support or affordable day care."
9. I am among the first to get off a sinking ship.
Um, wha? Well, I see someone watched "Titanic". That is so not the case anymore. If it ever was.
10. I can usually find someone with superior strength to help me overcome physically challenging obstacles, such as changing a tire or cutting a huge Christmas tree.
Going with Rachel here again. We'll be assumed to be incapable despite actual ability or personal desire.
11. Changing my mind is seen as a birthright or prerogative.
And so our decisions are never taken serious, and the reasons behind changes in stance are wholly ignored in favor of "well, you know how women are."
12. I feel free to explore alternate career paths instead of being bound to a single career ladder.
Can I get another "Um, wha?" Oh, no, I see what they're talking about. Every time we hit the goddamn glass ceiling and have to change jobs to get around it, we're supposed to be thrilled. It's an "alternate career path", not getting screwed like a rabbit on Viagra.
13. I am used to asking for help, around the kitchen table or the proverbial water cooler or the conference room.
Again, not true. Women I know rarely ask for help. We're supposed to help others, not need it themselves. When we do ask for help, we're often denied it. In professional settings, just like #5, we will again be assumed to be incompetent and punished monetarily. Men behaving in the same manner are "seeking mentoring opportunities" and rewarded.
14. People I’ve never met are inclined to hold doors open and give up their seats for me.
Rachel covers the reasons this was, and I'll throw on another "completely outdated" to sweeten the deal.
15. I can be proud of the skill I have worked to develop at stretching limited financial resources.
16. I am not ashamed of using alternatives to positional power to reach my goals.
Conventional methods will be blocked to us and we will be forced to manipulate the system. We will then be punished for being for being manipulative
17. I know how to put a new roll of toilet paper in use and am not above doing it for the next person.
18. I am not ashamed to admit that the decisions I make reflect my personal values.
All decisions will be assumed to have been made on some "gut instinct" or "intuition", and no amount of data will cause us to be taken seriously in some cases.
19. I am not afraid to create and maintain honest relationships with others.
Well, let's see. We're taught other women, and perhaps we ourselves, are "catty" and unworthy of friendship. We're taught that men will use us and harm us. Sorry, I've got to say that society actually tries to isolate women. Actually, it tries to isolate everyone, but that's getting deeper than I have time for.
20. I do not fear being accused of having an ethic of care in my professional life.
I fear it! It means "that was your last promotion. You're too weak to keep moving upwards. Why don't you go have some babies or something?"
21. When I enter an office, I am likely to encounter those who can help me “in low places.”
Because those who can help us in high places won't give us the time of day, thus forcing us to manipulate the system from below. We'll then, again, be punished for being manipulative.
22. I am more likely to get hugs than handshakes, depending on the situation.
So help me God, the first time a supplier or customer hugs me, my knee is going straight in his groin soooo hard and sooooo fast, I don't care who the hell he is. It is not a privilege to be treated like a child or a plaything instead of a professional peer
A little aside here. It really annoys the hell out of me when a man I'm being introduced to shakes my hand like he's afraid he's going to break it. Dude, just return the level of pressure I'm giving you. I personally have never received the two-fingered "pixie" handshake, but I did have one guy try to turn my hand horizontal.
23. I am less likely to be seen as a threat, which allows me more subtle alternatives.
Do I need to do the "I will be forced to be manipulative and then punished for it" again. How about pointing out that "not seen as a threat" can be spin for "not taken seriously."
24. I can use men’s “sheer fear of tears” to my advantage.
*points and laughs* Suuuure. Need a bridge in New York? Got one I'll sell ya cheap.
25. I can complain that these female privileges are relatively minor compared with the vast assortment of dominant male privileges, but I wouldn’t change places for the world.
I'd change places in a heartbeat, myself.
Damn, I wish I remembered all the words to "If I had a penis". *sings* "If I had a penis, I'd still be a girl. But I'd make lots more money and take over the world."
