An Abuse Culture and "That Awful Thing Women Do"

This post is about two issues: how traditional socialization of women promotes a culture in which domestic abuse flourishes, and the double standard between men's and women's behavior.

First, though, I'd like to put down a reminder that abuse can happen to absolutely ANYone -- and I'm not just saying that.  Some people are more susceptible to it, but even the most confident, mentally healthy person can find themself on the receiving end of an abusive relationship.  The psychology is very similar to that behind Stockholm Syndrome.  To put it very briefly, the human mind is made to differentiate allies from enemies, and when someone you love (i.e. firmly planted in the "ally" category) starts behaving like an enemy on an unpredictable basis while still acting like an ally other times, that throws the brain for a serious loop.  Does not compute. 

As the abusive behavior gradually increases from "rare fluke" to "daily operation", a survival mechanism gets triggered, the one that says "I must keep this person happy, even at the cost of my own personality, in order to survive."  Now, that survival mechanism doesn't seem to make sense from a modern standpoint.  Wouldn't "run run run" make more sense?  But if you consider that until about 150 years ago, slavery was an innate part of the human existence and still exists today, and also that women and children have been considered property for most of human history and even today often do not have financial resources under their sole control, well, it starts to make sense.  For much of humanity over much of history, keeping someone happy even though you didn't like then and they didn't treat you well was necessary for survival, while escape would likely get you killed.

So in summary, abuse can happen to anyone no matter how healthy and confident, not just those somehow predisposed to it.

So, on to "that awful thing women do".  I think all of us, man and woman, have been deeply ingrained with the large number of "horrible things women do".  Let me take one example for this post: "women will get mad at you without telling you why".

I'm going to give an extreme example here to demonstrate why this "horrible thing women do" is not always unreasonable behavior.  Imagine you're at a party full of your friends, and your partner for God only knows what reason suddenly screams the most vulgar insult you can imagine at you and hits you so hard he lays you across the floor.
1) Should you have to explain to him that this is utterly unacceptable behavior that has upset you?
2) Would you have the guts to do so under the circumstances?

Isn't the fact that he doesn't understand that insulting and hitting you will make you angry a problem in itself, in addition to the fact that he insulted and hit you?

I find this is often the case.  There are some things that should not have to be explained as inappropriate and upsetting, and in some of those cases, giving the explanation can be dangerous.  This idea that "it's horrible for women to be angry without explaining why" basically forces the victim to either suppress her justified anger, put herself in danger to explain it, or suffer the stigma of being a "horrible woman".  All three options are very convenient to the abuser: either she doesn't get mad so what he did couldn't have been that bad, or he gets another opportunity to literally or figuratively beat her down, or he gets societal help convincing her she's horrible and worthless.

Of course, the stereotype is of a women going around pouting to punish the guy because he left the toilet seat up again, or some other triviality.  Personally, I've rarely seen that.  When I have seen it, the problem was not really the toilet seat, it was the disrespect shown by the problem repeating again and again despite her previously stating how much it annoyed her, and the "pouting" is not for punishment, but out of fear, or frustration, or quite often, social conditioning. 

After all, if she did say that she was angry every one of the 20 times the toilet seat was left up during the week, she'd be doing that other "horrible thing women do", nagging.  Pick your horrible, ladies, because you can't win.  It basically comes down to "women aren't supposed to be mad at men".  We're not supposed to say when we're mad, but we're also not supposed to not say when we're mad, so apparently we're just supposed to flip the switch that turns those emotions off entirely and not be mad at all.

Also, this "horrible thing women do" of going around obviously mad but not saying why?  I've seen men do it.  I personally have seen it more often and more blatantly from men, usually out of frustration and their own social conditioning.  You know, the guy is stomping around, slamming doors, kicking things, and if you ask "what's wrong" you get no response, or a grunt, or the dreaded "Nothing" or "It's not important to you."  You get exactly what women as a collective gender are accused of doing as a "horrible thing".  But when a guy does it "It's OK.  He's a guy.  They don't talk about their problems."

"It's OK.  He's a guy."
The behavior is "horrible" when women do it, but when a man does, "It's OK, because he's a man."  Definition of double standard, right there.